Musings on Marriage
Matt and I recently attended a wedding. The music and fashion has most certainly changed, but the joyful energy was reminiscent of our own special day.
The officiant said something really profound…
They say marriage takes a lot of work. I believe it takes a lot of attention.
He spoke about the importance of paying attention to ourselves and the needs of our partner. This is continuous, as life is full of ebbs and flows. Being present takes intention, and being clear on intention makes all the difference in the quality of any interaction and with life overall.
I loved that, and it got me thinking about my own journey in marriage (highly abridged)…
Mentally insert dream sequence with fuzzy waves, moving to a 1990’s era photo filter here.
Thirty years ago, a young couple decided to make their 5+ year relationship even more official.
After several months of preparation (I still have the folders with all of the details!), the day was even better than we could have imagined. I got ready at my parents’ house, we were married at the church I’d grown up in, we did the “official” reception things like cutting the cake and having our first dance at the Elks Club. We sent our guests off to change and regrouped in my parents backyard for hot dogs and hamburgers to celebrate a beautiful summer evening.
I may not remember all the specifics, but I do know that many of us were wearing the ubiquitous floral rompers of early 90’s fashion, the beverage on offer was an non-descript brew from a keg, we danced like no one was watching to Fool in the Rain (those who weren’t our contemporaries at Virginia Tech did indeed watch and wonder!). It was a holiday weekend and the Marchal and Kennedy families showed up in full force, bringing so much good cheer to a fantastic occasion. It was a wonderful party, and we just happened to know all of the guests.
Most photos still in storage - taken before digital became the norm…
We were pretty lean on resources at the time. I knew then and it’s even more clear today that none of this would have been possible without so many people sharing their gifts. Matt’s parents hosted a fantastic rehearsal dinner with lots of laughter and sharing of personal anecdotes. My mom and one of the bridesmaid’s moms made the bridesmaids dresses. One of the groomsmen’s moms and my grandmother coordinated the flowers. My dad and his best friend (my godfather) grilled hot dogs and hamburgers. A good friend stood in the field across the street directing cars for parking, and her daughter took care of our guest book. All of these contributions allowed us to enjoy the day and participate in the party.
The Early Years…
We were officially in the world of adulting. Matt had just finished his first year of medical school, and I was wrapping up my first year at Overnite with my own pile of student loans. We lived in an apartment with our cats (Oliver and Elmo at the time) and shared a Subaru station wagon until Matt was able to get a used yellow Volvo (known affectionately as the Twinkie). Those first few years were a lot of fun and a lot of work with long days and not a lot of free time. We had more than a few things to figure out, including our mounting debt that we began to pay off little by little.
By the end of Matt’s residency, my career had grown and I was managing a team. We’d gotten some of our debt paid down and were able to purchase our first home (likely impossible these days, we are well aware!). We also had our challenges … figuring out how to spend time apart and have fun when we were together. We found out that life didn’t always go as planned as we came to terms with the reality that having children of our own was not in the cards. As we moved through that difficult period, we began to see that we had the time and ability to be with and support others who allowed us to be a part of their journey of parenthood.
Moving to the middle…
The next decade was a bit of a blur... During that time, Matt started his own medical practice and a new Richmond-based cycling team, both called Altius (one still exists today!). Fall Saturdays (and some Thursday nights) were spent in Blacksburg, cheering the Hokies to many victories and celebrating with friends. We still had cats - by this time, Charlie and Clyde were part of the picture. As I moved into executive roles with Overnite and then UPS, I worked longer days and traveled more frequently. This, coupled with Matt’s travel for bike races and other cycling-related events, meant we had even less time for us to spend together. Vacations were amazing, and we ventured farther as our desire to see even more of the world grew. Even then, I wasn’t able to be present as much as I would have liked. More than one critical conversation was had as we navigated our own individual growth and change with that of our marriage.
Where are we now?
Over the past decade, we’ve continued to learn and grow. We moved to Atlanta and now back to Richmond. Through my own work with a coach and working with clients, I’ve got more tools in the toolbox in managing through change and challenge, and Matt has been right there with me. We’ve gotten more clear on what’s most essential for us individually and collectively. Esprit de Merci became a reality, we navigated the “new normal” of COVID, and we’ve experienced the loss of two of our parents. We’ve reconnected with old friends and made lots of new ones. And now, Sven and Lars are the feline furkids who call our place home. I’m sure I couldn’t have predicted that we’d go from a high-rise modern condo to a 140+ year old house?
I’ll use an quote from a friend who rides a tandem bike with his wife … Apply that to 2.5 years in a small apartment as our home underwent extensive renovation… “Whatever direction your relationship is going, that will get you there faster!”
We’re not the same people we were in 1994. Our worldview has evolved, including the people in our lives, the way we spend our time, what we are reading, listening to and learning about. What has remained constant is the desire to continuously improve - to be present and attentive to one another - not only when the stakes are high, but also on the “regular days”.
We don’t agree on everything. I’m likely to explore options and he’s inclined to act quickly. Each of these approaches has its pros and cons. The balance works well for us, as long as we are aware of it. We have to pay attention.
This has of course been a fun walk along memory lane, and there are also some key themes and reminders that we can apply to all of our relationships - at home, at work, and in life overall. We have more distractions than ever, and there will never be more hours in a day. Take the time to enjoy the moments, listen to and watch for what may be going on with your spouse, your friends, your co-workers. Give yourself grace and space to move through the hard stuff rather than hoping it will just go away. If it’s important, making the effort matters.
Cheers to all of the beautiful relationships we have with each other. Connecting with others is truly one of the greatest gifts we can experience, and I am ever grateful for what this relationship continues to bring to my life.
